Glorious Adventure

"I am on a glorious adventure... riding through the most challenging season of my life. I thought I learned a lot in 2014... Well 2015, you've been my biggest lesson to date, & we've barely made a dent into March! Dealing with the lingering pain of a miscarriage, the exhausting experience of finishing grad school, this bumpy, roller-coaster ride of a  relationship... and through it all, I see purpose. I see my destiny on the horizon and an exhilarating hope for my future. I'm on mission... experiencing unusual miracles, undeserved favor, an increased faith in my God, and an increased grace for people..."

I wrote that in my journal less than a week before I found out that I was pregnant... AGAIN... for the 2nd time this year! Yep, this year...and we are only in June. I am beyond thrilled to announce that I am almost 5 months pregnant, coasting through this 2nd trimester after March's madness and April's puke-fest.

I know it sounds like the fairy tale ending. Woman has miscarriage, and finds out a month later she is carrying a healthy, perfect baby right when she is about to finish grad school. It is an incredible testimony, and brings me so much joy to know that God's thoughts are higher than mine. His ways are better than mine. His plans... perfect! 

We look forward to every appointment-- getting to hear the miracle of our baby's heartbeat, seeing his or her perfect little profile, how much he or she grows each time, and how much of a dancer he or she is during the ultrasounds (just like mommy hehe)!

If you'd allow me to be naked and not ashamed right now though... This process has not been easy. I'm not Superwoman, so it's been difficult and really has hurt. Being sad over a loss, having to pay the pile up of copays during a month that I got paid really late, starting and finishing my thesis for grad school while feeling nauseous and puking often (not realizing that it's because I'm pregnant, not because I was stressed), and struggling with the pain of a strained relationship with someone I love dearly... it was A LOT! It took all of my energy  to not call out of work when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and sleep and cry. I just had to muster up the energy and courage to get through it all.

There was one verse in particular that moved me through this process. It was Romans 5:3-5 that says, "suffering produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." 

I know firsthand that suffering is real, and things can get hard... REALLY HARD... but I also know that when we don't dwell in a much-desired, well-deserved pity party and PERSEVERE... there's a HOPE in Jesus that does not disappoint. I feel so far removed from that struggle that was so recent, and I am so enveloped in the joy of this season, I almost did not post this. But as I think back to a short month and a half ago, I feel the need to encourage you all to STAND FIRM and PERSEVERE.... have more grace for people... & don't lose faith in God! Your hope will not disappoint.

Good Grief

The inexpressible exhaustion, my tender breasts, my swollen midsection, the nightly bouts of nausea, and 6 positive tests told the tale of a life that was just a breath (because it was so surreal that I didn't believe the first 5 tests were accurate haha).

One of the most exciting moments of my life was coupled with one of the most devastating experiences of my life. At only a few weeks pregnant, I experienced a spontaneous miscarriage. My heart broke for a little life that was fleeting. It may not have been real to the world yet, but it was real to me. I may not have heard the heartbeat yet, but it already stole my heart.

The morning my doctor called to confirm my hormone levels were dropping and I was losing my baby, one of my students came to my classroom sobbing. Unbeknownst to her, she explained that she terminated a pregnancy over the summer, and that day should have been her due date. I could do nothing but cry with her, and share in the pain of never getting to know the little lives we longed to see.

The truth is, the moment you conceive, you become a mother. No matter how long that pregnancy lasted, or whatever the form of that loss, the anguish felt in that baby's absence is still real. 

Don't rationalize that because someone else was further along in their pregnancy, or someone else delivered a still birth, or you decided to terminate your pregnancy, that the anguish you are experiencing is less painful than someone else's.

The bible says that "Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can fully share its joy" (Proverbs 14:10).

So don't minimize your pain in comparison to someone else's. (& I'm not just talking pregnancy stuff) What happened to you still sucks. Your pain is still real. Your reason to grieve is still valid.

I know some of you may be reading this and thinking... why the heck is she airing her personal life on a public forum? I know I'm leaving myself open to judgment from people who don't know all the details. I know I'm leaving myself vulnerable to people who may not know how to respond to me now. I know I'll have family & friends texting/calling in reprimand, upset that they are finding out through a public post. I can only hope that one woman out there that is suffering silently now knows that she is not alone in her experience.

Miscarriages have a shameful stigma. There's thoughts attached that something is wrong with you as a woman. The reality is that it happens... Often. An estimated 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is one out of every five pregnancies... and though it is a commonplace, people don't talk about it often enough. They suffer silently... because they feel shame or embarrassed or alone.

It was only until I began talking about it that I realized that the statistic is not far-fetched. I get it, it's hard topics like these that are uncomfortable to talk about. Oh how I wish it were talked about more though.

I struggled with the thought that it was somehow MY fault. I wondered if I jinxed myself the day I saw that positive test for the first time and screamed out in a mixture of excitement & terror... "OMG I can't have a September baby!" (because I was thinking about how it would suck as a teacher to miss the beginning of a school year) I questioned whether or not I could have kids and if there was something wrong with me (even though my doctor insists I'm perfectly healthy). I wondered whether I was being punished for some sin or not being the best wife. So many thoughts consumed me... until other women that God placed in my path opened up and shared their experiences with me, and validated that they too had many of those very same fears... & went on to have beautiful, healthy kids.

Hearing other people's stories made me feel less isolated in my experience, and helped speed along my healing process. 

God's faithfulness has truly been magnified through this process in my life and my marriage now more than ever before. The same way a magnifying glass doesn't change an object's size, but makes it appear bigger... this loss has put into perspective how good and how close God is. It's also magnified my faith and who I really am.

Am I still sad? Yes. Does it still hurt? I have my moments. Do I still have irrational worries? I'd be lying if I said I didn't. But one thing I am sure of is this...In death, in life, I'm confident and covered by the power of His great love.

I don't get to choose my story, but I do get to tell it. So here it is folks... Naked & Not Ashamed.

From this day forward. I DO.

A little over a year ago, I was inspired to begin blogging. I have kept track of my audience statistics of course, as every new blogger surely does, and I have noticed a trend. The few times that I've posted about my relationship, there's a significant jump in readers. Like the post about how Mike pursued me for TWO years or the one where my wedding day was absolutely CHAOTIC... Those two posts in particular received So. Much. Love.

I've concluded... People love 'LOVE.'

People are hopeful that it exists.

AND... people are even more hopeful that it can last.

Take my High School students, for example, whom often post cute pictures of Beyoncé & JayZ or Kim & Kanye captioned #relationshipgoals. If John Legend & his gorgeous wife didn't make it after the numerous love songs inspired by her, people would be devastated. When Robin Thicke cheated on the beautiful Paula Patton last year after 22 years together, fans were outraged. Romance novelist extraordinaire, Nicolas Sparks, separates from wife after 25 years recently, and doesn't it feel like all hope is lost? Cummon, you've seen The Notebook... til death do you part, right?!

With people's "perfect-looking relationships" being mainstreamed just about daily through social media, the racy romance novels we read, and the sexually-charged chick flicks and reality TV shows we watch... our perception of marriage becomes easily and obviously skewed, and we lose sight of what should be the sanctity of marriage... and it affects the way we think about and behave within our own relationships.

Here's something I've learned in the short (but long) 4 ½ years we've been married... Relationships ebb and flow... and it's ok & it's perfectly normal. Not just marriages-- I'm talking all relationships-- siblings, best friends, colleagues, etc. I bet you can't name ONE relationship in your life that has been completely constant and perfect.

There will be moments of transition, moments of growth, moments of pure joy, moments of difficult decisions, moments of intense passion, moments of immense pain, moments you're inseparable, moments you just want your space, moments of absolute boredom, and others of absolute bliss.

There are different seasons in a relationship, and just like in real life, you have to prepare for each and proceed accordingly. You don't wear shorts and flip-flops in the winter (unless you do & you're dumb)... you'd freeze. You don't move on to the next person to satisfy you and fill a void (unless you do & you're dumb)... you'd fail.

As I approach 30, many of my friends are getting married. Their choice of Instagram captions are almost always...."I can't wait until the day we say 'I Do!'" (How many times have you read that?!)

Here's what they will soon realize: they will wake up and have to choose to say "I DO" daily; when the butterflies start to fade, when the wrinkles begin to appear, when the muffin tops begin to protrude, when the hairlines begin to recede, when the tits begin to sag, when the hurtful words have been said that can't be taken back... and when the sexiness of marriage begins to lose its luster... It's from THAT day forward, for all the days of your life, that you need to say 'I DO.'

My handsome husband recently officiated my cousin's wedding, and we searched the Internet for the best vows for them to repeat after him. None seemed good enough to me.


Here are the traditional ones:

[Bride/Groom's name], do you take [Groom/Bride's name] to be your wedded wife/husband, to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love them, comfort them, honor and keep them for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and forsaking all others, being faithful only to them, for as long as you both shall live?

I would love to add to those vows:

Do you promise to not blame each other when you experience financial crisis, and work together to get through it? Do you promise to grieve together, pray together, and move forward together when you experience a miscarriage or the loss of a child, and extend GRACE to each other through difficult moments like that? Do you promise to parent together, even when, & especially if, your child is born with special needs, and the pressure may become too much to bear sometimes?

Do you promise to do what it takes to reignite the flame between us when life begins to feel routine, and another person sparks a sudden interest? Do you promise to practice restraint when that other man/woman comes along that you have a natural affinity with, that might have a quality your spouse doesn’t have, and not give in to your attraction for that other person? 

Do you promise to not be lured by the temptation of watching pornography, to not compare your spouse or your sex life to the women on television, and to not fantasize about that photoshopped-looking celebrity? (Men and women alike can agree The Rock is the only exception from that one because well...have you seen him?!) Do you promise to delete your Facebook, cut out relationships, or take other extreme precautions when temptation becomes too strong? 

Do you promise to grow some balls, and admit the ugly truth about yourself to your spouse with intentions to build trust, bring freedom, and break strongholds? (this includes you too, women...not that growing actual balls would help your marriage.) Do you promise to extend grace and forgiveness when you find out an ugly truth about your spouse that you never expected?

Do you promise to talk about him/her with the utmost respect when you're tempted to bitch & complain about them? Do you promise to try and talk through things that aren't worth big arguments, and resist nagging constantly about things like the socks on the floor or dishes in the sink? Do you promise to kick them in their sleep when they're snoring too loud... instead of suffocating them like you really want to? 

Do you promise to recognize that even though this is one of the toughest jobs ever, it is also the best job ever? (Wisdom from Hugo) Do you promise to spend time together-- unadulterated, undistracted, undiluted time together without taking pictures every second and posting them for the world to see that you're "enjoying" yourself? Do you promise to be present in every moment, and recognize in those moments that you are lucky you have chosen to love and serve and do life with your husband/wife for as long as you both shall live? 

“I DO!"

Real Love... Raw Love... is Patient… and kind… It doesn’t dishonor others & isn’t self-seeking. It isn’t easily angered & keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love is a choice beyond what you may be feeling at the moment.

It’s full of forgiveness and grace, not to be taken advantage of, but to be extended and available. So extend YOURSELF some forgiveness & grace... extend your spouse some forgiveness & grace... and CHOOSE to DO. Daily. From THIS day forward... all the days of your life, for as long as you both shall live.

Running on "E"

My heart was beating more than just a few beats faster per minute than usual. The light in front of me was blinking, and my sweaty palms gripped the steering wheel tighter every time I heard the beeping sound that heeded warning.  I'm usually quite the risk-taker... though my risks are often very calculated. I knew that with a little less than an eighth of a tank of gas remaining, I would make it through my daily route across the Whitestone bridge to the gas station nearest my job.

What I did not factor into my "risk-taking calculator" was the possibility of traffic because it’s unusual for there to be any during the time that I leave for work.

As my luck would have it, there was an accident up ahead, and I hit bumper-to-bumper traffic. I instantly regretted making the decision to push the limits. I was running on E, and I wasn't sure how much fuel I had left to make it to my destination.

As I sat anxiously in traffic, I thought about how I have made decisions that have pushed the limits of compromise. I have done and said things that compromised my integrity, my relationships, and my reputation.

Although we know deep down in our hearts right from wrong, we’ve pulled out our "risk-taking calculator" at one time or another, and thought to ourselves something along the lines of: 

How much can I do without my parents finding out?

How much can I get away with before I get in trouble? 

How much can I say before it becomes inappropriate?

How much can I drink before it becomes sinful?

How much can I do without actually having sex before marriage?
How far can I go before my poor decisions backfire, and I'm left stuck in the middle of traffic?

You can make it on an eighth of a tank... until you hit traffic. You can make it through that compromising situation... until the unexpected occurs. Let's be real, even if you have made it this far, don't be stupid! Don't keep testing those limits, no matter how tempting! Don't keep compromising because you think you have just enough strength to stop right before you really screw yourself up. If I repeatedly tried to drive on an empty tank, even if I don't break down, I will eventually ruin my car like that! Even if you haven't gotten caught, or you haven't felt the repercussions of your mistakes yet, you will eventually ruin your life like that!

There is a real tension that you experience when you're running on "spiritual E." You know what you're doing is wrong, and you are aware of the possible consequences, but you still do it. I know this feeling, and it's not uncommon to man. Even Paul transparently shared, "I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't DO it. I decide to do good, but I don't REALLY do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time (Rom 7:18-20)." 

There's HOPE! His love and grace won't run out on you. We’re going to have our moments of weakness. Allow Him who began a good work in you to continue to develop you. After Paul admits to his shortcomings, he asks, "I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope! ["I'm running on E"] Is there no one that can do anything for me? (Rom 7:24)"

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life on contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different (Rom 7:25).

Why continue to play with the possibilities and compromise, when there's security and peace and confidence in running on a FULL tank? It's better for you to do everything you can to REFUEL!

How do you refuel, you ask? This is all I've got for you...

God promise to you is this..."I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out-- plans to take care of you, not to abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, WHEN YOU GET SERIOUS ABOUT FINDING ME and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED.... I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back...you can count on it! (Jer 29:11-14)"