Glorious Adventure

"I am on a glorious adventure... riding through the most challenging season of my life. I thought I learned a lot in 2014... Well 2015, you've been my biggest lesson to date, & we've barely made a dent into March! Dealing with the lingering pain of a miscarriage, the exhausting experience of finishing grad school, this bumpy, roller-coaster ride of a  relationship... and through it all, I see purpose. I see my destiny on the horizon and an exhilarating hope for my future. I'm on mission... experiencing unusual miracles, undeserved favor, an increased faith in my God, and an increased grace for people..."

I wrote that in my journal less than a week before I found out that I was pregnant... AGAIN... for the 2nd time this year! Yep, this year...and we are only in June. I am beyond thrilled to announce that I am almost 5 months pregnant, coasting through this 2nd trimester after March's madness and April's puke-fest.

I know it sounds like the fairy tale ending. Woman has miscarriage, and finds out a month later she is carrying a healthy, perfect baby right when she is about to finish grad school. It is an incredible testimony, and brings me so much joy to know that God's thoughts are higher than mine. His ways are better than mine. His plans... perfect! 

We look forward to every appointment-- getting to hear the miracle of our baby's heartbeat, seeing his or her perfect little profile, how much he or she grows each time, and how much of a dancer he or she is during the ultrasounds (just like mommy hehe)!

If you'd allow me to be naked and not ashamed right now though... This process has not been easy. I'm not Superwoman, so it's been difficult and really has hurt. Being sad over a loss, having to pay the pile up of copays during a month that I got paid really late, starting and finishing my thesis for grad school while feeling nauseous and puking often (not realizing that it's because I'm pregnant, not because I was stressed), and struggling with the pain of a strained relationship with someone I love dearly... it was A LOT! It took all of my energy  to not call out of work when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and sleep and cry. I just had to muster up the energy and courage to get through it all.

There was one verse in particular that moved me through this process. It was Romans 5:3-5 that says, "suffering produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." 

I know firsthand that suffering is real, and things can get hard... REALLY HARD... but I also know that when we don't dwell in a much-desired, well-deserved pity party and PERSEVERE... there's a HOPE in Jesus that does not disappoint. I feel so far removed from that struggle that was so recent, and I am so enveloped in the joy of this season, I almost did not post this. But as I think back to a short month and a half ago, I feel the need to encourage you all to STAND FIRM and PERSEVERE.... have more grace for people... & don't lose faith in God! Your hope will not disappoint.

Scars Don't Hurt

As I reached down to grab my shoes, she released a freshly curled lock of hair from that wretched curling wand. My skin sizzled upon contact with the heat of that stupid metal device. I jumped back, cradling my arm, and did what anyone would do... I screamed!! It wasn't her fault. She didn't know I was going to bend down next to her. It wasn't my fault either. I didn't know she was going to extend her arm with that weapon. I couldn't sit there and play the blame game anyway. I had a task at hand. I had to make sure that this burn did the least amount of damage...so I ran to the bathroom and flushed it under cold water.

Over the last two weeks, I've diligently tended to my second degree burn. I've done everything possible to avoid infection. I've used an antibiotic cream to speed the healing process, and once the open wound fully closes, I will make sure to use vitamin E daily to avoid scarring.

I hate scars! I have barely visible ones on my knees from my tomboy days. I have a few scratch-like scars right above my upper lip from riding my tricycle down the stairs into my backyard, I have a small scar on my inner thigh from colliding with an oncoming bicyclist, and I have a scar on my abdomen from a surgical procedure to close a hernia. My mother is a nurse, and nursed these wounds diligently to where my scars are barely noticeable.

Scars are an obvious reminder to the world that you've been hurt. Although it marks the place you once experienced pain, SCARS DON'T HURT. You can toy with it all you want, think about it, touch it, and it will not be tender. 

It is 15 days later, and I am fully aware that my burn, although it looks much better, is not yet a scar...It is an open wound. During dinner last night, my mother, in the excitement of her storytelling, darted straight for the target with the tips of her fingers and smacked my shoulder about 4 or 5 times to get my attention. It wasn't on purpose. My family is just extremely expressive! Man, it left a lingering sting! This morning, I woke up to the wound itching beyond relief. I reached over to my night table, grabbed the Neosporin, and rubbed it on the wound to alleviate the itch. My burn is still an open wound, and I know that because I still feel the discomfort. 

As I massaged the cream on my arm in my half-awakened state, I began whining to God about my burn and how ugly it looks and how long it would take to close. It was the oddest thing to hear his response in the midst of my pity party. "You are taking the steps you need to take for it to heal properly. It will close soon enough, and it will no longer bother you."

I waited, anticipating more, knowing He was going somewhere with that. 

"You still have an open wound in your heart that you are not tending to though. Examine yourself. It's still irritated. You still feel discomfort. It still hurts. You need to take some steps towards healing that too. You need to forgive that person, and you need to forgive yourself."

Wait, what? 

Jeez.. don't you hate it when God calls you out on things? It means it's time to really deal with it! Apparently, I've taken some steps to avoid making the wound bigger, but I've done nothing to help it heal. I can't keep playing past scenarios in my head and expect it not to stir up emotions. I can't wait for an apology, and expect that I'll feel better only after one. My cousin apologizing for unintentionally burning me did not make my wound heal faster.

You want something to heal properly? You have to take some steps towards your healing too! Yes, God is the ultimate Healer. He takes joy in healing. If we are still cradling our hearts, like I did with my arm, we aren't giving Him the opportunity to begin the healing process. 

You can try and fool yourself that you're not still hurting, and that you're totally fine. Answer these questions honestly: When you think about the person who hurt you, does it still bother you? When you see that person, do you still feel uncomfortable around them? When you hear someone talking nice about them, does it irritate you? When you speak to them, do you find yourself feeling vulnerable or defensive or aggressive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it's likely you're in the same boat as me, and it's time to let go of the wound, deal with the pain, and find healing in His promises. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3).

There's a step by step guide for how to deal with a burn... flush it with cold water, put antibiotic creams, avoid sun, etc. What are some of the steps you need to take to heal a wound in your heart? FORGIVE. Forgive the person... whether they hurt you intentionally or unintentionally... whether they asked for forgiveness or not! I heard it said once that not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness is not for them, it's for YOU! While you are at it, forgive yourself too. 

I've walked this road before. I've found healing after forgiving. I can think about certain people who have caused me immense pain, see them, and even speak to them without any feelings of discomfort, anger or pain. It's time to take the necessary steps to heal not just this burn on my arm, but the open wound in my heart. I can't wait to look back at the barely visible scar in it's place and thank God when it NO LONGER HURTS.