Glorious Adventure

"I am on a glorious adventure... riding through the most challenging season of my life. I thought I learned a lot in 2014... Well 2015, you've been my biggest lesson to date, & we've barely made a dent into March! Dealing with the lingering pain of a miscarriage, the exhausting experience of finishing grad school, this bumpy, roller-coaster ride of a  relationship... and through it all, I see purpose. I see my destiny on the horizon and an exhilarating hope for my future. I'm on mission... experiencing unusual miracles, undeserved favor, an increased faith in my God, and an increased grace for people..."

I wrote that in my journal less than a week before I found out that I was pregnant... AGAIN... for the 2nd time this year! Yep, this year...and we are only in June. I am beyond thrilled to announce that I am almost 5 months pregnant, coasting through this 2nd trimester after March's madness and April's puke-fest.

I know it sounds like the fairy tale ending. Woman has miscarriage, and finds out a month later she is carrying a healthy, perfect baby right when she is about to finish grad school. It is an incredible testimony, and brings me so much joy to know that God's thoughts are higher than mine. His ways are better than mine. His plans... perfect! 

We look forward to every appointment-- getting to hear the miracle of our baby's heartbeat, seeing his or her perfect little profile, how much he or she grows each time, and how much of a dancer he or she is during the ultrasounds (just like mommy hehe)!

If you'd allow me to be naked and not ashamed right now though... This process has not been easy. I'm not Superwoman, so it's been difficult and really has hurt. Being sad over a loss, having to pay the pile up of copays during a month that I got paid really late, starting and finishing my thesis for grad school while feeling nauseous and puking often (not realizing that it's because I'm pregnant, not because I was stressed), and struggling with the pain of a strained relationship with someone I love dearly... it was A LOT! It took all of my energy  to not call out of work when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and sleep and cry. I just had to muster up the energy and courage to get through it all.

There was one verse in particular that moved me through this process. It was Romans 5:3-5 that says, "suffering produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." 

I know firsthand that suffering is real, and things can get hard... REALLY HARD... but I also know that when we don't dwell in a much-desired, well-deserved pity party and PERSEVERE... there's a HOPE in Jesus that does not disappoint. I feel so far removed from that struggle that was so recent, and I am so enveloped in the joy of this season, I almost did not post this. But as I think back to a short month and a half ago, I feel the need to encourage you all to STAND FIRM and PERSEVERE.... have more grace for people... & don't lose faith in God! Your hope will not disappoint.

Good Grief

The inexpressible exhaustion, my tender breasts, my swollen midsection, the nightly bouts of nausea, and 6 positive tests told the tale of a life that was just a breath (because it was so surreal that I didn't believe the first 5 tests were accurate haha).

One of the most exciting moments of my life was coupled with one of the most devastating experiences of my life. At only a few weeks pregnant, I experienced a spontaneous miscarriage. My heart broke for a little life that was fleeting. It may not have been real to the world yet, but it was real to me. I may not have heard the heartbeat yet, but it already stole my heart.

The morning my doctor called to confirm my hormone levels were dropping and I was losing my baby, one of my students came to my classroom sobbing. Unbeknownst to her, she explained that she terminated a pregnancy over the summer, and that day should have been her due date. I could do nothing but cry with her, and share in the pain of never getting to know the little lives we longed to see.

The truth is, the moment you conceive, you become a mother. No matter how long that pregnancy lasted, or whatever the form of that loss, the anguish felt in that baby's absence is still real. 

Don't rationalize that because someone else was further along in their pregnancy, or someone else delivered a still birth, or you decided to terminate your pregnancy, that the anguish you are experiencing is less painful than someone else's.

The bible says that "Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can fully share its joy" (Proverbs 14:10).

So don't minimize your pain in comparison to someone else's. (& I'm not just talking pregnancy stuff) What happened to you still sucks. Your pain is still real. Your reason to grieve is still valid.

I know some of you may be reading this and thinking... why the heck is she airing her personal life on a public forum? I know I'm leaving myself open to judgment from people who don't know all the details. I know I'm leaving myself vulnerable to people who may not know how to respond to me now. I know I'll have family & friends texting/calling in reprimand, upset that they are finding out through a public post. I can only hope that one woman out there that is suffering silently now knows that she is not alone in her experience.

Miscarriages have a shameful stigma. There's thoughts attached that something is wrong with you as a woman. The reality is that it happens... Often. An estimated 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is one out of every five pregnancies... and though it is a commonplace, people don't talk about it often enough. They suffer silently... because they feel shame or embarrassed or alone.

It was only until I began talking about it that I realized that the statistic is not far-fetched. I get it, it's hard topics like these that are uncomfortable to talk about. Oh how I wish it were talked about more though.

I struggled with the thought that it was somehow MY fault. I wondered if I jinxed myself the day I saw that positive test for the first time and screamed out in a mixture of excitement & terror... "OMG I can't have a September baby!" (because I was thinking about how it would suck as a teacher to miss the beginning of a school year) I questioned whether or not I could have kids and if there was something wrong with me (even though my doctor insists I'm perfectly healthy). I wondered whether I was being punished for some sin or not being the best wife. So many thoughts consumed me... until other women that God placed in my path opened up and shared their experiences with me, and validated that they too had many of those very same fears... & went on to have beautiful, healthy kids.

Hearing other people's stories made me feel less isolated in my experience, and helped speed along my healing process. 

God's faithfulness has truly been magnified through this process in my life and my marriage now more than ever before. The same way a magnifying glass doesn't change an object's size, but makes it appear bigger... this loss has put into perspective how good and how close God is. It's also magnified my faith and who I really am.

Am I still sad? Yes. Does it still hurt? I have my moments. Do I still have irrational worries? I'd be lying if I said I didn't. But one thing I am sure of is this...In death, in life, I'm confident and covered by the power of His great love.

I don't get to choose my story, but I do get to tell it. So here it is folks... Naked & Not Ashamed.