One of the most exciting moments of my life was coupled with one of the most devastating experiences of my life. At only a few weeks pregnant, I experienced a spontaneous miscarriage. My heart broke for a little life that was fleeting. It may not have been real to the world yet, but it was real to me. I may not have heard the heartbeat yet, but it already stole my heart.
The morning my doctor called to confirm my hormone levels were dropping and I was losing my baby, one of my students came to my classroom sobbing. Unbeknownst to her, she explained that she terminated a pregnancy over the summer, and that day should have been her due date. I could do nothing but cry with her, and share in the pain of never getting to know the little lives we longed to see.
The truth is, the moment you conceive, you become a mother. No matter how long that pregnancy lasted, or whatever the form of that loss, the anguish felt in that baby's absence is still real.
Don't rationalize that because someone else was further along in their pregnancy, or someone else delivered a still birth, or you decided to terminate your pregnancy, that the anguish you are experiencing is less painful than someone else's.
The bible says that "Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can fully share its joy" (Proverbs 14:10).
So don't minimize your pain in comparison to someone else's. (& I'm not just talking pregnancy stuff) What happened to you still sucks. Your pain is still real. Your reason to grieve is still valid.
I know some of you may be reading this and thinking... why the heck is she airing her personal life on a public forum? I know I'm leaving myself open to judgment from people who don't know all the details. I know I'm leaving myself vulnerable to people who may not know how to respond to me now. I know I'll have family & friends texting/calling in reprimand, upset that they are finding out through a public post. I can only hope that one woman out there that is suffering silently now knows that she is not alone in her experience.
Miscarriages have a shameful stigma. There's thoughts attached that something is wrong with you as a woman. The reality is that it happens... Often. An estimated 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is one out of every five pregnancies... and though it is a commonplace, people don't talk about it often enough. They suffer silently... because they feel shame or embarrassed or alone.
It was only until I began talking about it that I realized that the statistic is not far-fetched. I get it, it's hard topics like these that are uncomfortable to talk about. Oh how I wish it were talked about more though.
I struggled with the thought that it was somehow MY fault. I wondered if I jinxed myself the day I saw that positive test for the first time and screamed out in a mixture of excitement & terror... "OMG I can't have a September baby!" (because I was thinking about how it would suck as a teacher to miss the beginning of a school year) I questioned whether or not I could have kids and if there was something wrong with me (even though my doctor insists I'm perfectly healthy). I wondered whether I was being punished for some sin or not being the best wife. So many thoughts consumed me... until other women that God placed in my path opened up and shared their experiences with me, and validated that they too had many of those very same fears... & went on to have beautiful, healthy kids.
Hearing other people's stories made me feel less isolated in my experience, and helped speed along my healing process.
God's faithfulness has truly been magnified through this process in my life and my marriage now more than ever before. The same way a magnifying glass doesn't change an object's size, but makes it appear bigger... this loss has put into perspective how good and how close God is. It's also magnified my faith and who I really am.
Am I still sad? Yes. Does it still hurt? I have my moments. Do I still have irrational worries? I'd be lying if I said I didn't. But one thing I am sure of is this...In death, in life, I'm confident and covered by the power of His great love.
I don't get to choose my story, but I do get to tell it. So here it is folks... Naked & Not Ashamed.
