A
little over a year ago, I was inspired to begin blogging. I have kept
track of my audience statistics of course, as every new blogger surely does,
and I have noticed a trend. The few times that I've posted about my
relationship, there's a significant jump in readers. Like the
post about how Mike pursued me for TWO years or the one where my wedding day was absolutely CHAOTIC... Those
two posts in particular received So. Much. Love.
I've
concluded... People love 'LOVE.'
People
are hopeful that it exists.
AND...
people are even more hopeful that it can last.
Take
my High School students, for example, whom often post cute pictures
of Beyoncé & JayZ or Kim & Kanye captioned #relationshipgoals. If John Legend & his gorgeous wife didn't make it after the numerous love songs inspired by her, people would be devastated. When
Robin Thicke cheated on the beautiful Paula Patton last year after 22 years
together, fans were outraged. Romance novelist extraordinaire, Nicolas Sparks,
separates from wife after 25 years recently, and doesn't it feel like all hope
is lost? Cummon, you've seen The Notebook... til death do you part,
right?!
With
people's "perfect-looking relationships" being mainstreamed just
about daily through social media, the racy romance novels we read, and the
sexually-charged chick flicks and reality TV shows we watch... our perception
of marriage becomes easily and obviously skewed,
and we lose sight of what should be the sanctity of marriage... and
it affects the way we think about and behave within our own
relationships.
Here's
something I've learned in the short (but long) 4 ½ years we've been
married... Relationships ebb and flow... and it's ok & it's perfectly normal. Not just marriages--
I'm talking all relationships-- siblings, best friends, colleagues, etc. I bet
you can't name ONE relationship in your life that has been completely constant
and perfect.
There
will be moments of transition, moments of growth, moments of pure joy, moments
of difficult decisions, moments of intense passion, moments of
immense pain, moments you're inseparable, moments you just want your
space, moments of absolute boredom, and others of absolute bliss.
There
are different seasons in a relationship, and just like in real life, you have
to prepare for each and proceed accordingly. You don't wear
shorts and flip-flops in the winter (unless you do & you're dumb)...
you'd freeze. You don't move on to the next person to satisfy you and fill a
void (unless you do & you're dumb)... you'd fail.
As I
approach 30, many of my friends are getting married. Their choice of Instagram
captions are almost always...."I can't wait until the day we say 'I
Do!'" (How many times have you read that?!)
Here's
what they will soon realize: they will wake up and have to choose to say "I
DO" daily; when the butterflies start to fade, when the
wrinkles begin to appear, when the muffin tops begin to protrude, when the
hairlines begin to recede, when the tits begin to sag, when the hurtful words
have been said that can't be taken back... and when the sexiness of
marriage begins to lose its luster... It's from THAT day forward, for all the
days of your life, that you need to say 'I DO.'
My
handsome husband recently officiated my cousin's wedding, and we searched the Internet
for the best vows for them to repeat after him. None seemed good enough to me.
Here
are the traditional ones:
[Bride/Groom's
name], do you take [Groom/Bride's name] to be your wedded wife/husband, to live
together in marriage? Do you promise to love them, comfort them, honor and keep
them for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and
forsaking all others, being faithful only to them, for as long as you both
shall live?
I
would love to add to those vows:
Do
you promise to not blame each other when you experience financial
crisis, and work together to get through it? Do you promise to grieve together,
pray together, and move forward together when you experience a miscarriage
or the loss of a child, and extend GRACE to each other through difficult
moments like that? Do you promise to parent together, even when, & especially if, your child is born with
special needs, and the pressure may become too much to bear sometimes?
Do
you promise to do what it takes to reignite the flame between us when life
begins to feel routine, and another person sparks a sudden interest? Do you
promise to practice restraint when that other man/woman comes along that
you have a natural affinity with, that might have a quality your spouse doesn’t
have, and not give in to your attraction for that other person?
Do you promise
to not be lured by the temptation of watching pornography, to not compare your
spouse or your sex life to the women on television, and to not fantasize about
that photoshopped-looking celebrity? (Men and women alike can agree The Rock is the only exception from that one because well...have you seen him?!) Do you promise to delete your Facebook,
cut out relationships, or take other extreme precautions when temptation
becomes too strong?
Do
you promise to grow some balls, and admit the ugly truth about yourself to
your spouse with intentions to build trust, bring freedom, and break
strongholds? (this includes you too, women...not that growing actual
balls would help your marriage.) Do you promise to extend grace and
forgiveness when you find out an ugly truth about your spouse that you never
expected?
Do
you promise to talk about him/her with the utmost respect when you're
tempted to bitch & complain about them? Do you promise to try and talk through
things that aren't worth big arguments, and resist nagging constantly about
things like the socks on the floor or dishes in the sink? Do
you promise to kick them in their sleep when they're snoring too loud... instead of suffocating them like you really want to?
Do
you promise to recognize that even though this is one of the toughest jobs
ever, it is also the best job ever? (Wisdom from Hugo) Do you
promise to spend time together-- unadulterated, undistracted, undiluted
time together without taking pictures every second and posting them for the
world to see that you're "enjoying" yourself? Do you promise to be
present in every moment, and recognize in those moments that you are lucky you
have chosen to love and serve and do life with your husband/wife for as long as
you both shall live?
“I
DO!"
Real Love... Raw Love... is Patient… and kind… It
doesn’t dishonor others & isn’t self-seeking. It isn’t easily angered &
keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres. Love is a choice beyond what you may be feeling at the moment.
It’s full of forgiveness and grace, not to be
taken advantage of, but to be extended and available. So extend YOURSELF some
forgiveness & grace... extend your spouse some forgiveness & grace... and CHOOSE
to DO. Daily. From THIS day forward... all the days of
your life, for as long as you both shall live.
